Ever since I’ve moved here, I’ve began relationships with people that would take me other places. I tend to mainly date outside of Oregon. I don’t know why this is. If it’s an attempt to make myself really unhappy, if it’s an attempt to dodge happiness, if it’s my deep-seeded fear of commitment - I always fucking do this. (Some of) My adult dating history goes like this:
I fell in love with an American, so I moved to Italy. I feel in love with an Italian, so I moved to Berlin. I told the American I was getting back together with him while I was shacked up with some shitty bullshit Canadian musician. Then I bailed on him and went home to San Francisco. Then the American found out I’d been cheating on him and everything went crazy and I cried and apologized. Then we got back together. Then I left him, for good because it just got toxic. Passionate and toxic. Then I started dating what was probably one of the great loves of my life. Then my dad got sick. Then I left my boyfriend. Then I started dating someone in Portland. Then he moved in with me in San Francisco. Then we moved back to Portland. Then I left him.
It’s so shitty and dramatic. I’m so shitty and dramatic. I’m so tired of running, but it’s like it’s ingrained into me.
On a side note, I appreciate how luxurious my life is. Emotional problems sure are a luxurious burden.
Also, when I 16, I was dating a 29 year old. I guess that’s a whole other thing, though.